getting ahead of myself

I've been so excited about how much better I've been feeling in recent months. Sometimes I go days without a reminder. Sometimes I just forget how stupidly sensitive my body can be. Sometimes, but never for long.

I really never think I "cheat", though maybe I do. It's a very thin line I have to walk, and I don't always do such a good job of it. While my diet is spot on 100% what many would call Paleo, it's not always perfect for me.

My herbalist of years ago used to tell me I was lucky that, like her, I couldn't cheat. That is not without paying an immediate and sometimes unacceptable price. Funny thing is though, and I know many of you also know this too well, we can get used to pain, get used to illness, get used to weakness and lack of energy, even get used to owning three sizes of clothes because we never know just which size will fit from day to day. That used to be my life. For years that was my life, and I'd often think of Nanette's words, "We can't cheat." I'd think of those words and wonder why I did it anyway.

All that changed in the last couple of years. I started eating better, started feeling better, started moving (though still only a little), started to enjoy my life a lot more. So much so, I guess, that occasionally I forget. The last few days have been like that, and as I write, I am lying in bed, in pain, with chills and a waist size 6" larger than it was this morning. And as I write, I can honestly say my diet has been and continues to be 100% Paleo. It's just that I can't handle a food just because it fits that criteria and I darned well know it.

I almost never eat sweets. Sugar demons are not my issue. Still, over the weekend I made a small, very small, batch of almond flour cookie dough. I'm talking less than a cup total. It had a bit of coconut oil, a bit of vanilla, and a dab of palm sugar and stevia with a few chocolate chips(the theoretically safe kind). I didn't eat it all. It was rich and filling after just a few bites. But it still made me queasy and threw my body for a loop. The next day I was longingly eyeing (though never considering buying) pastries and cookies and bagels and croissants. I wanted French fries. I made chili, actually a cool-sounding and tasty chocolate chili from Well Fed. It's not overly spicy; it's even Whole30 approved. Only it isn't whole-pamela compliant, I'm afraid. Let me be realy, really clear about this: there is nothing wrong with that chili. I am just not ready for it yet. I think I will be at some point. I even think I'll be able to eat and enjoy spicy curries and chile verde again. I'm just not there yet, much as I wish I were.

In two days, I'm starting another Whole30. Yay! I'm ready for a miracle or at least a little patience.

maybe i'm a food snob

Okay, I suppose it's not a maybe, it's a resounding yes. Yes, yes, yes! I'm a food snob. I tried to deny it; tried to sugar-coat it; tried to justify it; tried to tie it up in a pretty package.

No more. I admit unequivocally that I believe without question and with definite prejudice that food should be---well, food.

At home I demand it. At work I am about ready to give up.

I teach at a small school, so our staff lounge accommodates about a dozen people, a few more if we squeeze them in. Our refrigerator is usually full to over-flowing with fast-food leftovers, pseudo-food condiments, bread, margarine, large plastic soda bottles, cheese spreads, and other similar items. The freezer is packed with low-cal or diet meals. People toast bread and bagels pretty much every morning, so I avoid the area if at all possible. If someone has a birthday, the obligatory box of semi-edible doughnuts makes an appearance. Pot lucks mean nachos or potatoes covered with edible food-like gook. Sometimes it's casseroles and fruit mixed with jello and cool whip. I used to try to attend without eating before I realized just breathing in that closed-in environment would necessitate leaving work early and in pain almost every time.

Today was in a class of its own. A well-liked and well-respected teacher is leaving. He will still be working with our program, though not with us. He's happy and excited and a bit sad, I'm sure. Today, the staff, a dozen or fewer people total, put together a breakfast for him in the staff lounge before work. I tried to get myself to go, but fear and a heavy workload convinced me to pass on breakfast. I did venture into the lounge at lunch. It had been a crazy-busy morning, and I'd simply forgotten about the breakfast earlier in the day. The large, very large in fact, table was covered completely with the remains of that breakfast. I will not, cannot, call it food. Several dozen doughnuts, a box of Mexican pastries, and a few low-end sweetroll type pasties covered with sticky white icing remained. An empty 3 quart baking dish held what had not been scraped off the sides of something akin to country potatoes, though  with cheese and milk and "butter." A half dozen pancakes made with Betty Crocker's complete mix (add water only) along with maple flavored syrup and margarine sat next to dishes of scrambled eggs (possibly) and a variety of fried patties of some sort (possibly a vegetarian offering.) Several large containers of different types of salsa, the closest thing I saw to food, were scattered around the table. Piles of flour tortillas were uneaten, and extra bottles of sugar-sweetened "juice" were waiting for snackers to venture in. Coffee here always has a variety of "creamer" options and artificially flavored syrups and other additions.

Did I mention that our school has at most 8 teachers, a principal, one secretary, one campus supervisor (security) and a few instructional aides? There was enough fake food in that room to force feed everyone many times over, and those were the leftovers.

Yes, I'm a food snob. Yes, I should be ashamed of myself. These are nice people. But these nice people deserve more than artificial food-like substances and a distribution system that makes all this seem desirable. As for me, as always, I don't know what to say, so I say little. I don't know what to do, so I do little. All I know to do is continue with my program, continue to eat as clean as I can, and answer questions when asked. It may be all there is to do; I just never feel like it's enough.

when a foodie isn't

Most of my life, for as far back as I can remember, has revolved around food. I plan trips around where we'll eat, what we'll take to eat, how often we'll stop to eat. Grocery shopping for me is not an ordeal. It's an adventure. I get more excited over spotting a Whole Foods than a Neiman Marcus. Williams Sonoma feels like a home away from home. I started subscribing to food magazines like Bon Appetit and Gourmet while I was still in my teens.

Over the years though, there have been times, and not just short ones, when I just did not feel like cooking, times when I didn't even like my kitchen. Those times felt odd but not so foreign as to confuse me. Once, several years ago, I was so out of sinc with food, cooking, and my health that I subscribed to Nutrisystems and had them send me yucky pre-packaged, processed food for several months. I simply didn't want to cook and didn't want to think about food. It was an odd time in my life, the only time I have ever lived alone, so maybe that had something to do with my extreme disassociation with cooking and health. I'm still not sure.



sometimes plain ol' chicken drumsticks just sound good

These days, I mostly love cooking. "Mostly" being the operative word here. Some days I don't want to enter the kitchen and seriously bemoan the fact that eating out, fast food, and ready to serve processed food simply are not options for me. Period. Most days I get jazzed over grass-fed beef, wild-caught fish, and local organic vegetables. Some days I actually wish I could drive through a Taco Bell. Now, that doesn't sound like a foodie at all, I know. And Taco Bell is not the worst of my non-foodie fantasies. It's just the worst I'm willing to acknowledge right now. It gets pretty ugly.

I suppose on a very basic level I should be happy that giving into even one of these (occasional) urges would make me painfully ill for days. I'm much better off whining because I will never again eat a Baby Ruth candy bar than putting it in my body and hating myself for it.

why i can't cheat

I lied today. I lied on Facebook. I lied for no good reason, and it's been bugging me ever since. It was a dumb lie. A really stupid lie. A "I want to fit in" lie. And it was on my friend's Facebook page. Pretty low.

Ginger Lemon Girl asked, "No matter what type of "diet" you are following (as long as it's totally GF!! :-P) what is a food that you HAVE to have, even if it's not allowed?? (chocolate yes?)" And I answered "coffee." Okay, it wasn't a big lie. No one got hurt. No one lost their job or their broke their fingernail. But, of course, as all of you know, that is not the point. The point is I lied. That's not something I do often. That's not something I condone, in myself or others. Still...


And my coffee answer wasn't the lie. The lie was that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, and I'm quite serious here, that I am willing to eat that is "off program" for lack of a better phrase. I simply don't. Never. Not on a bet. Not when staring down a Point Reyes Blue or a dark chocolate Godiva.


I am not bragging. I am terrified. There is no food, no drink, nothing that's worth the pain. Plain and simple, I'm a coward. Jeez! and now I'm a lying coward. Sorry Carrie. I started to tell the truth. But that sounded so smug. I started not to respond, but that felt so lonely. I wanted to play the game. It was a fun game. I do drink coffee, though I've given it up in the past to see if it was a culprit in my diet. That was not difficult. Coffee doesn't seem to be a problem for me, so I drink it. I'd prefer to drink it with cream. Cream is a problem, so I don't. In fact, since I realized that, I have not had so much as a drop of cream or any other dairy product (willingly or knowingly, at least,) not one. I've had a couple of accidental doses that left me curled up in a ball wondering about the possibility of voodoo dolls and such. No, I'm not bragging. I'm scared to death.

meat and onions getting started

I was thinking tonight, as I started dinner, about what it is that lets me do this. Every one of you who lives with dietary issues knows how scary this all is. And if you're reading this, unless you're one of my family who I make read it, you're probably a foodie, as well. So how do we manage? My trick, my salvation, my mantra is leftovers. I don't have accidental leftovers. I plan for them, religiously. 

the browned meat and onions are underneath the beautiful fresh broccoli

I cook for two, usually, yet tonight I browned two pounds of ground beef (grass-fed is a given, right?) with onions, then added four heads of fresh broccoli and one can of organic diced tomatoes. That's a favorite comfort food for us this time of year, seasoned simply with sea salt and pepper, but no way in our wildest dreams are we eating that much in one or even two sittings. We'll have dinner; I'll freeze a couple of lunches, and we'll see what's still left for a snack. It's safe. It's Paleo. It's not expensive. It can be made from all frozen ingredients if needed. Oh, and it's really, really good.

added one 15 ounce can of Muir Glen diced tomatoes

The bonus: As I heated the pan to start dinner, I made a very sloppy looking patty from about 4 ounces of the beef and sauteed it with salt and pepper in the empty pan. When it was almost done, I tossed in a few mushrooms. Voila! tomorrow's lunch.

tomorrow's lunch

the whole30, day twenty-nine

Years ago in a series of self-actualization trainings, again and again, I heard something like "Expectations are the seeds of dissatisfaction." I am paraphrasing, but that was the message. I think about that from time to time, and today I'm obsessing over it.

Today, Day 29 of my 30 days on the Whole30, does not fit my expectations. I didn't have a clear mental picture, of course, but I can promise you I did not for a single minute think I would be on day 3 of a killer sinus infection, complete with splitting headache, swollen face, and sleepless nights. Not for one single second did I picture this. I'm considering this a healing crisis; I do hope I'm right. Healing or not, I don't like it, and I am definitely dissatisfied at the moment. What I'd like instead is a warm glow of contentment and that sense of pride and honor that comes with completing a meaningful task. Any idea where I could order that?

Until this passes (oh! please let that be immediate!) there will be no thoughts of celebrating a completion. My plan right now is to tighten this up instead. Writing that, I almost had to laugh. What do I tighten? I prepare everything, I mean EVERYTHING, I eat. With the glaring exception of my bacon fiasco, I am not using anything processed. Virtually everything in my house is organic. I'm waiting to check out the clarified butter rule until next time around because I know I have some issues with dairy. (I did put several packs of pastured butter in my freezer to be ready, since it's seasonal.) My meat, beef and lamb, is grass-fed even though that wasn't a requirement here. Maybe I'll cut out eggs entirely; I've already cut way back. I'm almost at a loss. I am not at a dead-end, though. So many things feel so much better with the Whole30, and I will not give up. I'm wondering though, will Monday be Day 31 or Day 1 all over again?

Still, I'm left thinking about that training and my expectations. Somehow I can't quite put my finger on what I want to take from all of this right now. Maybe it's the headache. Maybe it's the sleeplessness. Maybe it's our weather with highs about 15 degrees less than the lows of two days ago.

Yet in the back of my mind I know, today is Day 29 and headache and sinus infection will soon be history (or so I hope.)

the whole30, day twenty-eight

At work today,  I was thinking about this process and realized the next time I'm at my desk, next Monday, I will have completed the thirty days of the Whole30. I have also realized that my body, while responding very nicely to this program, will take well over 30 days to heal. It is quite possible that the only concession I will make to completing these 30 days is to step on my scale.

I would be remiss to avoid mentioning missteps along the way to what I hope will be a successful conclusion of my first Whole30. Yesterday I stopped by Lassens, a local natural foods store, to pick up organic carrots for my soup. It always takes me by surprise when I run out of carrots, yet somehow they still don't replenish themselves. While there I picked up a package of Applegate bacon. I'd not tried it before but had read others' comments. People said nice things about it, and it's always mentioned when speaking of uncured, high-end products. Ridiculously, I didn't read the label, or if I did, nothing registered. Nothing as in the cane juice. I paid no attention either when I popped it into the oven this morning, happily congratulating myself on being all the way to Day 28 of the Whole30. Only later, after eating a few pieces and noticing my stomach was not feeling so happy, only then did I carefully look at that label.

Yikes! Not the end of the world maybe, but would this be the end of my Whole30? I stressed. I worried. I went to Whole9's site and searched "bacon." Jeez! They have a whole, nicely written section about why they don't routinely recommend it. They don't demonize it; they just don't sing its praises, and they recommend other options for regular protein sources. Of course, that is only IF you can find any pastured and well-cared for without sugar, nitrites, nitrates, and so forth. Why didn't I read this before? Why didn't I pay more attention to my rarely opened Survival Guide? What was I going to do now? Crap! I've been writing blog posts for almost four weeks, counting down my Whole30, no thought ever of slipping up.

Fortunately, I remembered how great Whole9 is about answering questions. I took a deep breath, clinched my fists once or twice, and wrote to them, publicly, in the comments of the newest Whole30 5.0 update. With two and a half days to go, was I about to start over? Melissa replied in less than five minutes. That was cool. The first time I read her response I misread the words and thought she said "the cane sugar in your bacon is going to mess up your 'reset' process." Somehow in my panic, I'd missed that little word "not" in her sentence. First I missed the stupid sugar on the bacon package and now possibly the most critical word in her response. Bottom line, I'm okay---feeling stupid, but okay with the healing process and the Whole30. Whew!

Thanks Melissa, thanks Whole9.

whole30, day twenty-one

I panicked this morning for the first time since starting the Whole30. I have lots of safe food in the house. I just didn't want to eat any of it. Period. It's not a problem to skip a meal, of course, but it is important to be prepared and not starving throughout the day. My workday starts at 7:30, and there is no way I know of to eat like I want to and should without making food at home and bringing it. I do so hope this is not a regular occurence.

I literally forced myself to scramble 3 eggs that I didn't want for breakfast and left for work with them, no lunch, no snack, no plan for the rest of the day. Yikes! I am out of my comfort zone big time right now. I'll add to this post later in the day. Right now I believe my best move is to stay busy and not focus on food.

I think of myself as being prepared where food is concerned most of the time, but I now know that being prepared is not going to be enough in the long-run. I need to be seriously over-prepared. It's hard to know how to be ready for days when foods I usually eat and enjoy sound gross and unappealing, but that's exactly the task ahead of me. The key to staying with a healthy program, I am convinced, is enjoying it, at least most of the time. Along those lines, the food that works with the Whole30 is food that works for me. It sounds good, usually. It doesn't feel restrictive, usually. Even today with my "I just don't want to eat that" attitude, I don't want to eat anything off this plan either. That I like. There's a comfort level in that automatic, no effort feeling of committment.

Now, if I could only think of something good to eat...