Thursday, December 15, 2011

why i can't cheat

I lied today. I lied on Facebook. I lied for no good reason, and it's been bugging me ever since. It was a dumb lie. A really stupid lie. A "I want to fit in" lie. And it was on my friend's Facebook page. Pretty low.

Ginger Lemon Girl asked, "No matter what type of "diet" you are following (as long as it's totally GF!! :-P) what is a food that you HAVE to have, even if it's not allowed?? (chocolate yes?)" And I answered "coffee." Okay, it wasn't a big lie. No one got hurt. No one lost their job or their broke their fingernail. But, of course, as all of you know, that is not the point. The point is I lied. That's not something I do often. That's not something I condone, in myself or others. Still...

And my coffee answer wasn't the lie. The lie was that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, and I'm quite serious here, that I am willing to eat that is "off program" for lack of a better phrase. I simply don't. Never. Not on a bet. Not when staring down a Point Reyes Blue or a dark chocolate Godiva.

I am not bragging. I am terrified. There is no food, no drink, nothing that's worth the pain. Plain and simple, I'm a coward. Jeez! and now I'm a lying coward. Sorry Carrie. I started to tell the truth. But that sounded so smug. I started not to respond, but that felt so lonely. I wanted to play the game. It was a fun game. I do drink coffee, though I've given it up in the past to see if it was a culprit in my diet. That was not difficult. Coffee doesn't seem to be a problem for me, so I drink it. I'd prefer to drink it with cream. Cream is a problem, so I don't. In fact, since I realized that, I have not had so much as a drop of cream or any other dairy product (willingly or knowingly, at least,) not one. I've had a couple of accidental doses that left me curled up in a ball wondering about the possibility of voodoo dolls and such. No, I'm not bragging. I'm scared to death.
meat and onions getting started

I was thinking tonight, as I started dinner, about what it is that lets me do this. Every one of you who lives with dietary issues knows how scary this all is. And if you're reading this, unless you're one of my family who I make read it, you're probably a foodie, as well. So how do we manage? My trick, my salvation, my mantra is leftovers. I don't have accidental leftovers. I plan for them, religiously. 

the browned meat and onions are underneath the beautiful fresh broccoli
I cook for two, usually, yet tonight I browned two pounds of ground beef (grass-fed is a given, right?) with onions, then added four heads of fresh broccoli and one can of organic diced tomatoes. That's a favorite comfort food for us this time of year, seasoned simply with sea salt and pepper, but no way in our wildest dreams are we eating that much in one or even two sittings. We'll have dinner; I'll freeze a couple of lunches, and we'll see what's still left for a snack. It's safe. It's Paleo. It's not expensive. It can be made from all frozen ingredients if needed. Oh, and it's really, really good.

added one 15 ounce can of Muir Glen diced tomatoes

The bonus: As I heated the pan to start dinner, I made a very sloppy looking patty from about 4 ounces of the beef and sauteed it with salt and pepper in the empty pan. When it was almost done, I tossed in a few mushrooms. Voila! tomorrow's lunch.

tomorrow's lunch


  1. I agree completely, Pamela! I almost left a comment too on that same wall post and then I realized that there is nothing I will eat anymore knowing it will hurt me in the short term or long term. You're right, its not worth it.

  2. silly silly mommy. I don't think it was a lie. Sounds like you can live without the beverage but not without the ritual. After all you often get coffee in bed. Not JUST coffee, but really good coffee. Now the ritual and pampering would be difficult to live without.

  3. Melanie, I so welcome a kindred spirit. Thanks for the support.

    Kristen, yes, I do value the ritual, but truth be known, I'd give it up in a heartbeat if I had to deal with the pain of the past few years. I'd whine, of course.

    Thanks to both of you.

  4. lolol (((Hugs)))) you worry too much Pamela! :-) And I'm confused.. so do you drink coffee, or does it bother your tummy? I wish I had your resoluteness about my own diet. I have definitely struggled with paleo the past few weeks... but I also don't think my body is as violently intolerant to foods as yours is. If I was physically hurting from eating "forbidden" foods I'd never touch them either... soy & gluten will ALWAYS be no-no's... I wouldn't eat them willingly if somebody PAID me to do it. But sugar is whole 'nother ball-game that I do hope to overcome one day! :-) I know for me, I will eventually get to a point where I will absolutely know it's not worth it anymore, even on special occasions... but it takes me a while to become that resolute! I know eventually I'll get there though, and meanwhile I won't beat myself up about it!

  5. I do drink coffee, Carrie, and it goes not seem to bother my tummy. My resoluteness really is just motivated by fear. Oddly, I've had a few issues with pain recently when I thought I was on-track. Uggg! Good luck on the whole sugar thing. I'm looking forward to our Whole30 in a couple of months.


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