getting ahead of myself

I've been so excited about how much better I've been feeling in recent months. Sometimes I go days without a reminder. Sometimes I just forget how stupidly sensitive my body can be. Sometimes, but never for long.

I really never think I "cheat", though maybe I do. It's a very thin line I have to walk, and I don't always do such a good job of it. While my diet is spot on 100% what many would call Paleo, it's not always perfect for me.

My herbalist of years ago used to tell me I was lucky that, like her, I couldn't cheat. That is not without paying an immediate and sometimes unacceptable price. Funny thing is though, and I know many of you also know this too well, we can get used to pain, get used to illness, get used to weakness and lack of energy, even get used to owning three sizes of clothes because we never know just which size will fit from day to day. That used to be my life. For years that was my life, and I'd often think of Nanette's words, "We can't cheat." I'd think of those words and wonder why I did it anyway.

All that changed in the last couple of years. I started eating better, started feeling better, started moving (though still only a little), started to enjoy my life a lot more. So much so, I guess, that occasionally I forget. The last few days have been like that, and as I write, I am lying in bed, in pain, with chills and a waist size 6" larger than it was this morning. And as I write, I can honestly say my diet has been and continues to be 100% Paleo. It's just that I can't handle a food just because it fits that criteria and I darned well know it.

I almost never eat sweets. Sugar demons are not my issue. Still, over the weekend I made a small, very small, batch of almond flour cookie dough. I'm talking less than a cup total. It had a bit of coconut oil, a bit of vanilla, and a dab of palm sugar and stevia with a few chocolate chips(the theoretically safe kind). I didn't eat it all. It was rich and filling after just a few bites. But it still made me queasy and threw my body for a loop. The next day I was longingly eyeing (though never considering buying) pastries and cookies and bagels and croissants. I wanted French fries. I made chili, actually a cool-sounding and tasty chocolate chili from Well Fed. It's not overly spicy; it's even Whole30 approved. Only it isn't whole-pamela compliant, I'm afraid. Let me be realy, really clear about this: there is nothing wrong with that chili. I am just not ready for it yet. I think I will be at some point. I even think I'll be able to eat and enjoy spicy curries and chile verde again. I'm just not there yet, much as I wish I were.

In two days, I'm starting another Whole30. Yay! I'm ready for a miracle or at least a little patience.