life as a guided missile

Lately, I've done a lot of reassessing and reevaluating. For me, possibly for many of us, though I can only speak for myself here, finding direction has never seemed a natural thing. For much of my life, I heard "Do what you love, the money will follow." I always liked those words and despised them at the same time. Sounds easy enough, only what did I love? It didn't stay constant, and for everything I love, to this day, there's a flip side. It's not all sweetness and light.

I've always loved cooking, but not every day. Not when I was tired or grumpy. Not just because we needed food on the table. Not when someone else directed the menu. Not when I'd rather sit in the sand at the beach. Not if I had a great book that had captured my imagination. Not when I had to.  In my wildest dreams, I would not want to plan, prepare, or cook food for a living.

I love to write: fiction, nonfiction, poems, articles, journals. Except, of course, not every day. Not when I'm tired or grumpy. Not when I'm feeling reclusive. Not when the thought of a pen or keyboard makes my skin crawl. Not when I just want to hide from myself or my thoughts. Not when I have to. And it's not just cooking and writing, I find those feelings and attitudes everywhere in my life. So, do what I love? That's a hard one.

So, I've decided to give up the whole do what you love thing. I will do what I do. Being a bit self-indulgent, I know the truth is, if I'm doing it, I love it. At least I love it right now. And I won't promise to love it or to do it tomorrow. Clearly, that makes long term planning a bit more difficult. Or, just possibly, it makes it easier. I'm becoming more and more convinced that we do little, if anything, in life that is truly wrong. I see how my seemingly poor choices, along with those of which I am pleased, have led me to where I am today. They'll continue to lead me. I'm not always proud of my choices, but they have served me. When I'm off course, I correct. And really, like a guided missile, I'm usually off course. I find that amazing about guided missiles. Except for the moment they hit their target, they're virtually always off course. They simply correct, and correct, and correct once again. And that is my plan. I will keep correcting, tiny corrections, not whole new targets, I sure hope. As much as I admonish myself for not having clear, concise, meaningful goals in my life, I'm far more directed than I admit, even to myself. Off course, a lot, unsure of the target I've chosen sometimes, and yet never so far off that a minor correction won't get me back on course, even if I'm not totally aware of the target.

My intention, where Aseafish is concerned, is to be much more outspoken and directed in my posts. I tend to be a somewhat guarded and reserved individual, especially when it comes to what's important to me, personally. I'm working on breaking through that a bit at a time. When I first began writing a blog that was food directed, I thought it also needed to be recipe and menu driven, though I rarely use a recipe or a menu. I thought I should have something new and different to say, even profound. The voice is my own, but I cannot promise that everything I say will new, and let's not even visit the idea of profound.  I even thought I had to lecture. (ugh) I also didn't get too personal or revealing, though it could have sounded as though I did. I thought I needed to be vague and try for some universal appeal, even though many of my favorite bloggers are up-front and direct. Some will even tell you not to read their posts if you don't agree with them. I enjoy their candor, though that's not my philosophy.

Saying "goodbye" to teaching high school and "hello" to lots more time in the kitchen.  Yay! retirement!

I'm pretty sure we all know in broad terms that the Paleo community is not made up entirely of 20 to 30 year old cross fitters. Not everyone looks like a model or even wants to. Not everyone is just starting a family or looking for her first apartment. Many of us are settled in life with families and careers. I retired this year. I have grown children and grandchildren. That's a far cry from the college kid who is playing with meals for his first time ever. We all have different voices. We all, I do believe, have something to say. Go! Guided missiles.