a struggle for self-care

I've been more than a bit remiss about posting as of late, and a large part of that centers on today's topic. This has and continues to be a hard subject for me to wrap my head around. Or maybe I simply don't want to see what's in front of my face. And it's not about food. Sorry.

I spend a good part of each day doing a job I used to love. I felt that I made a significant contribution to my students' lives and education. I took delight in almost every aspect of this job, down to paperwork and telephone calls. For years I worked with a delightful mix of teachers, support staff, and administrators. Then the sky fell.

I won't go into all the sordid details. They're painful and boring. I will say that I am not alone in my frustration and near hopelessness in this. Virtually all of our staff at my school and others are facing almost the same issues. We have all in essence been told that we do nothing, provide no value to our students, and are not paid to think. I kid you not. Our daily schedules have been reworked adding 4 to 5 hours of structured assignments without removing a single other responsibility. All that we valued about our contribution to our students has been removed from the program. Teachers who could, have retired, many others are looking for different positions, some have decided they'll stay home with their families for a time. It's that extreme. Others of us, of course, are staying. At least for now. Or until the Prozac runs out. (Just kidding there. At least for now.)

Taking care of myself right now is a daily an hourly struggle. The weird thing is, I'm usually so good at this. I (usually) meditate, I (usually) pamper myself a bit. I'm a bubble bath nut and would happily spend hours relaxing there, and yet lately, I've had to consciously remind myself even to bathe. It's been awhile since I bothered to put on makeup. This may sound silly, but I recognize signs of depression setting in, and it's scaring me. I am not up for taking care of myself right now. When I go to work each day, I have no idea how I will manage taking care of the teenagers who need me to be there for them.

As I began this, I fantasized about reaching a wonderful conclusion, about telling you how I was going to make this work, find the silver lining. Now I know I am not there, probably not even close. I am lucky to have and thankful for a loving family's moral support. I have friends who care and listen. I am not alone. I am at a loss, still. Thanks for letting me share.